A Pakistani Guide on Writing a News Report about Sexual Harassment in India

A Pakistani Guide on Writing a News Report about Sexual Harassment in India

Imagine you are working as a content writer or reporter in a very competitive newsroom in Pakistan, and you are tasked with writing a news report about an incident of sexual harassment committed by a prominent Indian. The event includes complex details and information which you think is unnecessary to share with your readers. It is in such a situation that our primordial sentiments of ‘Indian enmity’ can provide you with ample support to easily complete this task in just 5 minutes.

The following is a step-by-step guide on how to write a news report in Pakistan about sexual harassment (or any other crime or 'sin') committed by an Indian celebrity:

1. First and foremost, investigate their views about Pakistan, Pakistanis, Pakistani artists, Pakistani latrines, etc.

2. If you find nothing on this, or their views about Pakistan are positive, you don’t need to write the news report at all.

3. If by any chance, you find that they have previously expressed negative views about Pakistan or Pakistanis, then hurray, you've hit the jackpot! From here on, the job is easy.

4. Present this person in your 'news report' as an enemy of the entire country.

5. Throughout your report, you may use the phrase ‘Pakistan mukhalif’ as an adjective whenever the person is mentioned.

6. Although a hasty mention of the event which you are actually reporting is not necessary, for the sake of upholding good journalistic practice you can add a phrase or even an entire sentence about it.

7. Though post-modernism is an artistic and philosophical movement, it also provides us the freedom to eradicate conservative journalistic formats and standards. So, it is perfectly acceptable if your news report is not strictly objective. From this event you should easily deduce that these sorts of events are becoming a norm in India, and Indian society as a whole is heading towards the deepest pits of immorality, indecency and shamelessness.

8. Your new report should be rounded off with two conclusions:

(i). Indians who are against Pakistan, or anything remotely Pakistan-related, are inherently and genetically immoral.

(ii). A poetic (or divine) justice is awaiting every Indian who fits into the above category.

9. Great! You’ve successfully created a stunning piece of journalism which will not only get printed by any mainstream media group but will undoubtedly get thousands of likes, abusive comments and heavy web traffic.

On October 23, 2015 Express News published an insensitive report regarding the Indian singer Abhijeet Bhattacharya's sexual harassment case. Although, there is no doubt that;
1. Indo-Pak relationship is getting worse
2. And religious fanaticism is on the rise in India
But to popularize its content, mainstream Pakistani media these days is heavily and needlessly reporting events from these two angles which has nothing to do with either Indo-Pak relations or religious fanaticism in India.

Finally, this article will draw two conclusions of its own:

1. According to Alexa, the Urdu website of Express News is ranked at 15 in Pakistan right after Wikipedia and Twitter. While we should avoid passing any sweeping statements, it is hard to ignore that a large proportion of this traffic has been attracted by just feeding the masses what they really want to hear; by sugarcoating the actual facts and by giving exaggerated opinions and analysis.

2. The recent rise in religious fanaticism in India does not mean that if Indians are losing their shit, it necessarily implies that our shit should also hit the fan.

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Umair Vahidy

Umair Vahidy

Umair Vahidy is Head of Digital Communications at Khudi Pakistan and The Laaltain.


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